We all feel insecure from time to time, but in a healthy relationship, feelings of insecurity are the responsibility of the person who is feeling insecure. Not the responsibility of a partner, child or parent. This is where personal boundaries come in.
Boundaries protect our individuality, they allow us to have great relationships with other people, without giving up our sense of self.
In a healthy relationship, the participants don’t always agree with each other, but they respect the other person’s right to feel and think differently. In this type of relationship, there is no need to take on the emotions of or participate in the loved one's “battles” with other people. For example, if my spouse is angry at someone, I may not feel compelled to be angry at that person. However, I respect my spouse’s right to be upset and give him the space to
deal with his upset in his own time. I trust that he will be able to deal with the situation in an appropriate manner. He doesn’t want or need my help.
An enmeshed relationship is one in which no boundaries are present. Using the example from above, in an enmeshed relationship, if my spouse is angry with someone, then I will be angry with that person too. I will take my spouses side in all things. I may avoid or refuse to speak to the
person he is angry with. I will take on the emotions of my spouse, even though the other person did nothing to at all to me. It is common for people in enmeshed relationships, to be afraid to express an opinion that is different from their partner’s because the consequences are so high.
Relationships between parents and their adult children can also be enmeshed. An adult child who values her mother’s opinion more than her own, or who is
afraid to move away from home because her father might not be able to survive without her, are examples of enmeshed relationships. Narcissistic parents feed these fears by acting helpless or getting angry when the adult child does something that the parent does not approve. Breaking away from a parent who uses manipulative behavior to control their adult child, is critical for the child’s emotional and mental health.
To begin to set boundaries where
none exist, start small. For example, if your mother expects you to dislike the same people she dislikes, you could say something like this: “Mom, I understand you don’t like Jim. However, Jim has always been kind to me and I like him. I want to treat him with the same kindness he offers to me. It has nothing to do with how much I love and respect you.”
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with the people we love, is the foundation of
loving relationships. Feeding the insecurities of others, by giving in to their manipulative behavior, reinforces their insecurities and keeps them stuck in unhealthy patterns.
