More often than we may realize, one small change in the way we approach another person, situation, challenge or goal, can make a huge difference in the amount of stress we experience on a daily basis.    

Most of us believe that if we have a problem with another person or a situation, that the other person or the situation is to blame.  If they would just stop being so rude, inconsiderate, lazy, stubborn, angry, sad, etc.… then, we would have less stress and life would be peaceful.

A few examples...

“Why am I in a foul mood today?  Some jerk pulled out in front of me in traffic this morning, and I almost hit his car!”   

“If my son would just get a job and move out, I could relax and focus on my own life.”

“My coworker doesn’t do her job, it impacts my work, and my boss won’t do anything about it.  I feel angry and frustrated every time I think of all times I have to do more work, because she cannot be depended upon to do her share.”

“My ex-wife tries to turn the children against me.  She tells them lies about me. I know it would not be right for me to defend myself to two young children.  I don’t do that, but my ex-wife is ruining my relationship with my kids and making my life miserable!”

As you read over the above statements, you might find yourself in agreement with those disconcerted individuals.  You may agree that each one has a right to feel stressed.  You might also think that of course, the other person is to blame.  They behaved in irresponsible, rude or inconsiderate ways.  Who wouldn’t be upset?

In reality, there are many people, who faced with those same events, would not be rattled at all. Or, if they did get upset, it would not be for more than a few minutes. 

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Let’s look at the situation with the divorced couple. (The couple is real, but I have changed the names to protect their identity.)

John is angry and frustrated with his ex-wife, Laura.  When their two children come over to spend time with John, they tell him that their mother said that he cheated on her during the marriage.  John did not cheat on Laura, and he is also aware that a discussion of that nature, is inappropriate with a child.  He feels victimized by Laura and helpless to do anything about it.  He worries about what his children think of him.

John could ask Laura to stop discussing their marital problems with the children.  However, he realizes that he has no control over what Laura says or does.  Having a discussion about what she says to the children, is likely to go nowhere and end up in another argument.  Trying to explain things to the children is not an option.  

John’s resentment is his constant companion.  He talks about it with anyone who will listen, which only fuels his frustration and anger towards Laura.  As a result, John is revved-up, and unhappy most of the time.  He struggles to enjoy what little time he gets with his children.  In general, John’s life is full of mental stress and anxiety.

As long as John continues to focus his attention on what Laura says or does, he is going to feel stuck in his animosity toward his ex-wife.  He will continue to blame her for problems with his relationship with their children.  The resulting mental stress, causes John to take a rigid approach to the problem.  Creative solutions are not possible when our minds are locked down by stressful thoughts.

However, if John can take a step back, and honestly examine his situation, he might become aware that there is more than one way to see what is happening…

One way of looking at Laura’s behavior, is to understand that “hurt people”, hurt people.  Laura is experiencing a great deal of emotional pain as a result of the divorce.  She is feeling rejected by John and she fears that she will never find another life partner.  Her dreams of “happily ever after” have been shattered.  If you have ever experienced a breakup, or loss of a loved one, you might recall the emotional pain and grief you felt.  When we are in a low state of mind, it is not unusual to behave in ways that do not reflect the best version of ourselves.

If John can open his heart enough to see that Laura is striking out at him, because she is in pain, his anger could easily turn to understanding and compassion.  From that point of view, John’s anger would dissipate.  That change of heart in John, may or may not impact Laura’s behavior, but it would bring a greater sense of peace to John’s life, than he is currently experiencing and remove him from the position of victim.  

Rather than wasting his mental and emotional energy, trying to figure out ways to make Laura stop what she is doing, he will be able to focus on his life, and what kind of relationship he wants with his children.  

As for the children, there is no need for John to respond to the children about Laura’s accusations.  They don’t need to know if what their mother said was true or not.  Like all children, they just want to feel loved and accepted for who they are.

If John engages with the kids over the subject, then he is putting them in the middle.  If he ignores the story from Laura, that the children relayed to him, they will more than likely, let it drop.  If the children push the point and insist on an answer, John can lovingly and gently, let the children know that the topic is between him and their mother and not open for discussion with them.  The children may not be able to understand why their dad won’t discuss it with them, but John will know he is protecting his children.

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The mental stress we feel, is a direct result of the thoughts we choose to engage.  Thoughts are neutral, until we attach a meaning to them.  When we truly understand that we are creating our own experiences, then it no longer makes sense to look outside ourselves for relief from whatever we are feeling.

This does not mean that we will never feel pain (emotional or physical), or that we should live in a blissful state of mind 24/7.  When a tragedy or illness strikes, of course we are going to feel whatever feelings come up for us, with that event.  We feel happy or excited when something fortunate happens.

Consider this, not everyone experiences events in exactly the same way.  What terrifies one person, may barely phase another.  We all see life through our own unique lens.  We interpret what we see as truth and then act accordingly. 

If we can learn to see that everyone around us, is seeing life through their own lens, and that their behavior is based on their truth, it can make it easier to forgive others.  That insight alone, can greatly reduce our own mental-stress.

In my next Newsletter, we’ll explore an example from the workplace.

Your feedback would be greatly appreciated.  Also, if you have any questions, please click this link to contact me Email Linda