No one is coming to rescue you.  This may seem like terrible news, but it’s actually very good news. Now, you can stop waiting for someone to take you away from your unhappy relationship, unfulfilling job or depressing environment.  You can be your own hero.

Maybe you remember the Calgon commercials for bath beads, from the 1980’s, and the slogan “Calgon, take me away!”.   Like the women in those commercials, too many of us are waiting for someone or something to whisk us off to a happier place where we will be free of worry and able to enjoy life.  In reality, until we wake up from this fantasy, and take action, nothing is going to change.

In my divorce coaching practice, I talk with women from many different parts of the world.  No matter where they live, their stories are all very similar.  In most cases, they are in loveless, unfulfilling marriages.  They are disillusioned and confused, and trying to decide what to do next.  Over and over again, as I hear women describe their lives with their spouses, I hear a common theme.  They describe their husbands as being abusive, absorbed with work, having inappropriate relationships outside of the marriage, or their spouse drinks too much, gambles, or has other addictions.  The stories all seem different on the surface, but underneath the details, the truth is these men have spiritually abandoned their relationships, and they have emotionally checked out.

A few of the women I have talked with, came to the conclusion that there is nothing more they can do, because they have tried everything.  They have accepted that their spouses are not willing to change, go to counseling or work together with them in any way to improve their marriages.  They realize that the physical presence of the man they fell in love with, is all that is left of him.  These women, are looking for support to help them move forward with the challenging task of leaving the marriage.  Or, if there is still a glimmer of hope, they are looking for support to help them determine what they can do to improve the situation.

However, the majority of the women who call seeking my support, are still hoping their husbands will change.  They are convinced that if their husbands would only stop drinking or being abusive, or start showing more affection and interest in the relationship, the marriage would be happy again.  So, they wait around for that to happen.  They think if they keep their spouses contented, and sacrifice their own happiness, their husbands will come to their senses, and they can live happily ever after.  I know this tactic well, because I used it myself.  I stayed way too long in relationships with partners who had no interest in behaving differently, or improving the relationships.  

When I stopped waiting for someone else to rescue me from a dysfunctional marriage, I took myself out of the role of the victim.  I admitted to myself, that I was letting my fears make my decisions for me.  Some of those fears were; raising two children on my own, supporting us financially, being alone, and being criticized by others.  I could either allow those fears to hold me back and live out the rest of my life struggling and striving, or I could gather my courage and do what I knew I needed to do.  I thought back on all the challenging circumstances I had overcome in the past.  I began to think of myself as not only a survivor, but someone who can thrive in the face of adversity.  I did as much as I could, ahead of time, to lay the groundwork to leave the marriage. I also reached out to trusted family members and friends for emotional support.  Then, I took a leap of faith.

 

I do not regret my past relationships, because something good came out of each one of them. As far as I am concerned, moving through those challenging relationships helped me identify what I did not want in a partner.  I learned to look for a man who already possessed and demonstrated the characteristics I wanted in a life partner, instead of settling for a man who potentially had those characteristics.

You have inside of you, all the wisdom and inner strength you need to change your situation for the better.  Stop waiting to be rescued,  Begin to take steps to be your own hero.

Live life on your terms,

Linda