I’m a recovering people-pleaser.  

Until I became aware of the destructive side-effects of people-pleasing, I thought I was doing the right thing.  I wanted everyone to like me, and I was willing to do whatever it took to keep the significant people in my life, happy.   

I was also a “fixer” and I attracted men into my life, who needed “fixing”.  Eventually, I became aware that I wasn’t really “fixing” anything in my significant relationships with men. Instead, my people-pleasing behavior kept each of my partners stuck.  I made it easy for them  to continue to engage in their addictions and insensitive behaviors toward me.   During my last disappointing marriage, it finally dawned on me, that my spouse was never going to change.  He wasn’t going to change, because he liked himself the way he was.  In his mind, there were no problems in our marriage.  I did whatever it took to keep him happy and content, so he had a comfortable existence... but I was unhappy, resentful and felt powerless.   

In recent years,I have come to understand, that the men in my past, who were disrespectful and unloving, were simply reflecting my inner beliefs about myself.  The judgemental family members, who manipulated me with their criticism were mirrors too.  I don’t know for sure when I first started to feel unworthy or unlovable.  I don’t believe it is necessary to know when or why.  Most likely, it was a misguided interpretation of life events that happened in my family, when I was a young child.  Events, that my inexperienced mind, determined meant something about my worthiness and lovability.  I unconsciously adopted those ideas as the truth, and lived my life based on those concepts.  As a result, I unintentionally,  looked outside myself for people who would confirm those inner beliefs.  The abusers in my life were just holding up a mirror that reflected back to me, my inner most ideas about myself.

For many years, I gave the power to determine if I was lovable or not, away to others.  I made other people’s opinions of me more important than my own opinions of myself.  My life centered around pleasing other people and living up to their expectations.  If significant people in my life, were disappointed or critical of me, I tried harder to please them.  If that didn’t work, I became withdrawn and depressed.

Now I know that we are all intrinsically, lovable and worthy.  We are born with it.   It is not something we have to earn.  Our value does not disappear when we behave inappropriately or do things we later regret.  There may be consequences to our actions, but our worthiness, remains intact.  

The only way we can feel unworthy or unlovable, is if we look outside ourself for love and validation.  

Are there people in your life, who are judgemental of you, or treat you with disrespect, indifference or disdain?  Remember, they are simply a reflection of your thoughts about yourself.  Take your focus off them, and turn it toward yourself.  What are your thoughts about yourself?  How are you being judgemental or unloving toward yourself?  In what ways, are you treating yourself with disrespect, indifference or disdain?  

What can you do today, to show more compassion and respect to yourself?  It could be something as simple as interrupting your negative self-talk and replacing it with a few kind thoughts. What do you love about yourself?  Make a list of twenty-five characteristics that you like about yourself, to remind you of your lovability and worthiness.  

When you start treating yourself with respect and love, the people in your life, will either start to treat you better, or they will fade out of your life.  The people who leave, will be replaced by people who will mirror your worthiness and lovableness back to you.  

You are worthy and lovable.