Whether you have an old-fashioned, standard answering machine or the latest smart phone with voice and text messaging capabilities, you get "buzzed", "dinged" or “flashed”, whenever there is a message waiting to be listened to or read.  Not only that, but the buzzing, dinging or flashing, usually doesn’t go away until you have attended to that waiting message.

Our emotions work in much the same way.  Although our feelings may not buzz, ding, or flash a bright light at us, they are trying to get our attention.  We may be able to ignore our feelings for a little while, but they will not go away, until we pay attention, and acknowledge that we “hear” them.  When we ignore our emotions, they typically resurface even more insistently and at the most inconvenient time.  

Most of us seem to be okay with the so called “positive” emotions such as, happiness, joy, excitement, love and compassion.  It is the “negative” emotions such as anger, sadness, grief, resentment and jealousy, that we do our best to suppress and restrain.  After divorce, my clients often tell me, that they are afraid that if they allow these “negative” feelings to surface, they will be swept away on a tidal wave of never-ending, uncontrollable tears.  They are afraid that they will lose control of themselves and that they will end up locked in a room with rubber walls.  Or, if they imagine less dramatic results, they will become useless and unable to perform routine tasks.  In most cases, these are scary scenes they have created in their own minds and are not based on real-life.  As far as I know, giving in to “good cry” has never been fatal.

Crying is a natural, built-in pressure release valve.  When we cry, we flush toxins from our body and also release an endorphin called leucine-enkephalin This chemical can naturally lift our mood and reduce pain.  The positive effects of crying, may not show up immediately, but the benefits are usually felt within a short period of time following a “good cry”.  

Navigating our emotions post-divorce is challenging and unnerving.  One of the best things we can do for ourselves, is acknowledge our emotions as they come up and resist the urge to cover them up or silence them.  

This may sound silly, but it has worked for me and some of my clients, so it may be worth a try… You can actually talk to your feeling as if it is a small child.  For example; if, while shopping for groceries, you suddenly have sad or angry thoughts about the ending of your marriage, you can have a silent conversation with that emotion.  Tell it that you understand it is trying to tell you something important, but now is not a convenient time.  Make a promise to yourself to pay attention to that sadness/anger as soon as you get home, or at 9 p.m., after the kids go to bed.  When the promised time arrives, make a conscious effort to bring the feeling back to the surface.  If you feel like crying, cry.  If you feel like yelling and screaming and punching some pillows, do that.  Don’t worry, the crying and/or ranting will not go on forever.  

Just like the warning ding, buzz or light on your smartphone, if there is a message your emotions want to convey to you, that emotion will not go away until you hear what it has to say.   Maybe you should stop what you’re doing and listen to it.