In just a few days, we will celebrate Valentine’s Day, the day of love.  In honor of the day of love, I would like to explore why having healthy boundaries is an important part of the unconditional love we crave for ourselves and aspire to give to others.

What is unconditional love?  Unconditional love is love that is unchanging and without limits.  It can be found in romantic relationships, parent and child relationships, in other types of family relationships, or between friends, etc…  When we love someone unconditionally, it means our love does not waiver even if there is an argument, if the other person does something that disappoints us, or if they do something that goes against what we think is best for them.  Unconditional love is also present when one person does something to benefit another, and does not reap any benefit in return.  Sounds nice, doesn’t it?  

If unconditional love is so great, why do we need boundaries?  Don’t boundaries keep people at a distance?  Aren’t boundaries isolating and mean?  Let’s dispel a myth; boundaries are not meant to keep people at a distance.  When we set boundaries with someone we love, we are not being cruel or selfish.  When we set a boundary in a relationship, we are taking responsibility for our own feelings and actions.  We are asking the other person to do the same.  Without boundaries, we become so entangled in another person’s feelings that we lose touch with our own true feelings.  Another aspect of boundaries is respect.  We promise to respect each other’s right to think and feel the way they do, even if we don’t see eye to eye on a particular topic.  Do you see any similarities in boundaries and unconditional love?

In my coaching practice, I have met many people who are very confused when it comes to unconditional love and boundaries.  They think that unconditional love means they have to be loving, kind and unselfish, while the other person gets to be selfish, cruel and inconsiderate.  This is not unconditional love.  What I just described, is a relationship between two people with very weak boundaries.  What I find most often in relationships with weak or no boundaries, is that one person is not taking responsibility for his or her own feelings and is instead, blaming the other for his or her unhappiness.  The other person is so enmeshed in the first person’s emotions, that he or she is unable to step back and see clearly what is his or her responsibility and what is not.  As a result, the person being blamed, has no clue as to how to improve the situation.  The answer, is a healthy boundary.

An analogy I like to use to describe boundaries in relationships, is to imagine a fine mesh screen and water with some debris in it.  Imagine that the water is love; the debris is your and your partner’s anger, sadness, fear, etc... and the mesh screen represents your boundaries.  If you pour the water (love) with debris (toxic emotions) through the mesh screen (the boundary), the water (love) flows through to the other side, but the debris (toxic emotions), do not flow through.  The toxic emotions stay on the side of the screen where they originated.

If you grew up in a family that did not have healthy boundaries, setting boundaries now that you are an adult, can feel very uncomfortable.  If you are currently in a relationship where you are doing all the giving and your partner is doing all the taking, it is highly unlikely that anything will change until you find the courage to set healthy boundaries.  

Where do you need to set healthy boundaries? 

Recommended reading:  Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Wishing you a week full of love,