Divorce is unsettling and confusing for everyone involved, but it is especially so for children.  If you and your spouse have decided to call it quits, there are things you can do to make the transition easier for your kids.

As you read through the list, you may think some of these are just “common sense”, and in a way, you are correct.  Unfortunately, when we humans, are involved in a traumatic event in our lives, such as a divorce, we tend to regress emotionally.  Even the most calm, cool and intelligent person can begin to make decisions and take action based on the desires of their inner three-year-old.  However, if you truly want to protect your child from as much of the divorce fallout as possible, you have to become more conscious of your behavior and your actions.  Here are some things you can do to protect your children during divorce.

It doesn’t matter if your child is 2 years old or 45 years old, never, never, never, talk badly about your ex to, or in front of, your child.  A very young child may already feel afraid and anxious about her relationship with her parents.  She may be wondering where she will live, and with whom.  You may be battling all kinds of emotions with regard to your ex, but it is vital to your child’s well-being that you keep your emotions in check.  Keep comments about her other parent to yourself when you are with your child.  Do not put your child in a position where she feels she has to take sides in the war between the two people she loves most in the world.  If you want to have a close, loving, relationship with your child, do not try to tear her other parent down in her eyes.  

Please do not set your son or daughter up as your best friend.  It is not your child’s responsibility to take care of your emotional well-being.   If you are feeling vulnerable and unable to face the sometimes rocky path of divorce, do not turn to your child for support.  Instead, find an adult, preferably a good friend, to support you.  If you don’t have anyone you can trust to be a sounding board for you, hire a coach or a counselor.  Your children love you, if they know you are in pain, they will go out of their way to comfort and console you.  As good as that may make you feel, it is up to you to let them know, without a doubt, that although you are hurting, you are getting all the support you need from adult friends and family members.  Make sure your children know that neither you nor their other parent, want them to be worried about anything.  Assure them (even if you are having doubts yourself), that no matter what, you are going to be okay.

The typical divorce is painful… One person wants out of the marriage, and the other one doesn’t.  Sometimes trust has been broken or there were addiction or abuse issues that destroyed the marriage.  Anger, pain, fear and distrust are all common aspects of the divorce process.  While it’s important to shield children from their parents’ emotions during the divorce, it is also important to be honest and authentic with regard to how the family dynamics will change.  The idea that divorced parents should pull it all together and pretend nothing has changed, teaches children to hide their true feelings behind a mask.  Minimizing divorce, implies that divorce is not a big deal.  This also insinuates that marriage should not be taken seriously either.  Children don’t want, or need to be lied to about divorce.  What they really want to know is that although things will be different post-divorce, there will be plenty of good times ahead with each of their parents.  

The divorce process can be stressful and you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed, rundown and irritable.  Between meetings with your attorney, financial advisors, insurance providers, real estate professionals, etc... You still have to go to your job, function as well as possible and get through each day without losing your cool.  In addition to that, you may be the one who has to take the kids to daycare or school and help them with their homework.  After that, you drive them to dance class, sports activities, the doctor and the dentist. With all that on your calendar, you’re probably not eating very healthy and you may not be sleeping well at night either.  If you want to make sound decisions with regard to your divorce, your children and your future, you’re going to have to carve out some down time for yourself.  In addition to recharging your battery, you’ll be setting a good example for your children to follow when they find themselves in stressful situations in the future.

Children are resilient.  Something that might put your mind at ease is this… If the issues between you and your spouse, created an atmosphere at home that was volatile and stressful, you may find that your children actually thrive, in the more peaceful, post-divorce environment.  

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