When facing a decision that is as life-changing as whether to keep working on their marriage or start the divorce process, my clients often say they are confused. What I find however, in most cases, is they are not confused at all. It would be more accurate to say they know what they want, but they don’t like, or they are afraid to do, what they will have to do, to get what they want.
Most of my clients
are women who want happiness, love, camaraderie and peace. Many of them know, when they come to see me, that type of relationship is not possible with their current partner. They wish it was, oh how they wish it was, but in reality, they are married to someone who simply doesn’t see any reason to change. For some women, their husband has clearly shown them or outright told them he won’t change. The thought of abandoning a dream of "happily ever after" with the
man she married and filing for divorce, is where many women get stuck and call it confusion. These women know what they want, and what they need to do. The thought of breaking up their marriage, is upsetting and scary, but these women are not confused.
On the other hand, there are women who come to me for coaching, who believe their marriage can be fixed. They know that they cannot repair their marriage with the same approach they have been using for
the past several months or years. Outside help such as counseling, coaching or a marriage support group is needed. Their challenge is how to get their spouse to agree to go with them to get the help they need, to rekindle the love that brought them together in the first place. If they are able to get his willing cooperation, the next hurdle is changing the way they relate to each other at home, based on what they learn in counseling. It requires a huge commitment on the
part of both the husband and the wife. Again, there is fear of what lies ahead, but it is not confusion.
I have yet to meet a woman who did not know, at some level, which choice she wanted to make. Anyone I have met, who was hesitant to take action one way or another, was actually paralyzed by wishing she did not have to make a choice, or by fearful thoughts about those choices, but she was not confused.
Why am I making such a
big deal out of women who say they are confused? There is great power in the words we use to describe ourselves. When we say “I am confused”, we disempower ourselves. We put ourselves in the role of the victim and as a result, we give ourselves an excuse not to take responsibility for our circumstances.
It’s time to stop using the word “confused” to describe yourself. Confusion is just an excuse to stay stuck. It’s far better to admit
to yourself that you know what you want, but you are afraid to move forward. As you commit to move in the direction you choose, the small, baby steps you take toward that choice will begin to dispel your fears.
You know what you know. Trust Yourself.
