It is easy to get caught up in comparing ourself to others. We notice as others buy big homes, expensive furniture, luxury cars, designer clothes and take trips to exotic places. They obtain a Masters or a Doctorate Degree and proudly place the post-nominal letters after their name. They have a perfect marriage with a gorgeous spouse, and have 2.5 happy, healthy and well-balanced children. We see perfect bodies on
models and celebrities and think they have it all. Their life is perfect and ours is… well, less than perfect.
You may think someone else has it all together... the perfect marriage and family, the perfect home and the perfect career, but as I often caution my clients, “Don’t judge your inside by someone else’s outside”. What you see, may only be the posed-professional-portrait version of the other person’s life, and not the chaotic, unhappy reality that
they live on a daily basis.
In our culture, it’s all about the exterior packaging; expensive cars, designer purses and plastic surgery to make us look younger. We are so focused on outward appearances and the intials in front of, or behind someone’s name, that we never see the real person. Many of us are afraid to let others see our true selves because we are afraid of being rejected. We are obsessed with perfection, yet perfection doesn’t exist.
There is nothing wrong with having a great education, plastic surgery, designer clothes or expensive cars, as long as those things don’t own us, and our self-worth is not tied to them. If we feel unworthy without those things, then they are nothing more than futile attempts to cover up our insecurity. We are looking for happiness and acceptance. But, if our being accepted means we become someone other than who we are, or have to
hide our true feelings, we will always feel like an impostor. We will always wonder at what point, our disguise will be ripped away. If our true self is revealed, we are certain we will be rejected.
In relationships, we change our personality like a chameleon and become whatever we think we need to be, to impress the person we are dating. Even as adults, we might do whatever our parents want us to, in order to get or keep, their approval or
financial assistance. We are afraid to speak up in meetings at work, or in family situations at home, because it feels safer to just go along with the crowd. It feels safer, but it’s not.
Falling in with the herd, instead of mustering the courage to say “no”, usually leads to resentment toward others or disappointment in yourself because you settled for less than you wanted, or sold out with regard to your values. When you make yourself over to
be someone else’s ideal, you might be successful in taking the relationship from dating to marriage, but what then? What chance do you think a marriage has to thrive and grow if neither the husband nor the wife really know each other?
Stop expecting perfection from yourself and others. Give everyone, yourself included, the freedom to be human. You are a unique and bright being, with gifts only you can give the world. Don’t hide your talent
or your passion because someone else expects you to be a certain way. Anyone who truly loves and accepts you, wants you to be happy. They don’t want you to fake happiness or pretend to be someone you are not just to please them.
If saying “no” to people close to you, brings up too much anxiety, start by saying “no” in situations that feel less threatening. For example, in a restaurant, you could let your server know that your food is overcooked
and ask for it to be replaced. Standing up for yourself in some small way each day, will help you develop those “muscles” and prepare you to set healthy boundaries with the people who are close to you.
You’re amazing! Have a great week!
Linda
