Search the Internet and you will find a slew of books, articles and videos that provide evidence that supports staying together is best for the kids.  On the other hand, you will also find just as much, perhaps more information, to support the viewpoint that splitting up is best for the children.  So, how do you decide if you should stay in an unhappy marriage to protect your children?  

To get to the answer that is right for you, you must remove the blinders of denial and objectively and honestly evaluate your relationship with your spouse.  You must also scrutinize the relationships each of you have with your children.  

Another piece of the puzzle is to ask yourself how your children are currently being impacted by the circumstances at home.  Your children may not talk to you about the problems they sense between you and their father or mother, but you can be sure they are aware that something is not right.  Sometimes, kids are afraid to say anything out of fear that talking about it, will make things worse.  Or, they might believe that if they don’t talk about it, the problem will go away.  Often, children think they are the reason their parents are not getting along.  This can result in feelings of guilt and shame they don’t want to, or can’t express.  It’s the elephant in the room that everyone tiptoes around, but no one wants to admit they see.  

One of the keys to knowing whether you should stay in a marriage for the sake of the children, is to ask a different question.  Instead of “Should I stay for the kids?”, you might want to ask “Are both my spouse and I, willing to do the work we are going to have to do to heal our marriage?”  “Do we really want to regain the love and compassion we once had for each other, or are we just going through the motions?”

If you or your spouse decide not to work on healing your marriage, but one or both of you choose to sacrifice yourself and stay in an unhappy or loveless marriage, what message does that send to your children?  You might want to consider these questions… Are you teaching your children to have enough self-respect to insist on the best in life?  Are you teaching them to be authentic?  How do you think your children will feel in later years, when they find out that you were miserable and unhappy, but stayed for their sake?  What about you?  It’s very likely, that in the role of the sacrificial lamb, you will begin to resent your spouse and your children.  It’s also very possible that you will feel anger toward yourself for being in this position.  Many times, these feelings manifest themselves in the form of addictions, manipulating behavior, or depression.  Does anyone really benefit if you make a martyr of yourself?

Divorce can bring peace and stability to your children, if you and/or your spouse, can’t or won’t do the work to heal your marriage.  How do you think living with parents who are indifferent or openly hostile toward each other, impacts a child’s emotional well-being?  

There are many resources available for couples who want to put their damaged marriages back together.  If you want to stay together because you think it is better for your children, hire a counselor or a coach, or take relationship classes.  Find a way to fall in love with each other again.  Model for your children, what a healthy, committed, loving relationship looks like.  Our children learn how to be in relationships by observing us.  What are you teaching your children about love and marriage?  What do you want to teach them?

Wishing you only the best,

Linda