Divorce is difficult all by itself. Stir in Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the holiday season, becomes uncomfortable and challenging.
Long-standing, family holiday traditions, inevitably change during and after divorce. Your ex-in-laws' support and loyalty will most likely go to your ex-spouse, who is their son or daughter. Your ex- in-laws may have deep feelings for you, but now, they are in a very
awkward position where you are concerned. Your parents and siblings will tend to be supportive and loyal to you and they will likely experience the same discomfort when it comes to your ex-spouse.
Every situation is different, but generally speaking, it is not likely that you and your ex will be invited to attend family gatherings together. It can be very painful to say goodbye to celebrating as husband and wife and attending family gatherings with your
family or your ex-spouse’s extended family. To avoid the emotional pain, during, or post-divorce, you may be tempted to try to celebrate the holidays exactly the same as they were celebrated prior to the separation... Mom and Dad together, kids opening gifts under the tree, etc… This approach, can be a slippery slope.
When parents separate, children of all ages, even older teens, tend to hold on to the hope that mom and dad will get back together.
Pretending to be a “happy family”, could do more harm than good. The best approach is to be loving, honest and forthright with your children regarding the divorce. Let them know that even though you will no longer all live together, you and their dad or mom will never stop loving them. If you and your estranged spouse are going to be together for a Thanksgiving meal or when the kids open gifts, clearly communicate to the children, that this does not mean that mom and dad
are re-uniting.
We cannot, nor should we try, to protect our children from every disappointment. Observing that divorce is painful and disruptive, demonstrates to them that marriage is not to be entered into lightly and divorce does not happen without pain or casualty. The truth is, the kids are going to experience pain and discomfort in every stage of the separation and divorce process. Their lives will be forever changed, but this is
not inherently bad or good. The way you and your ex treat each other, will play an important role in how your children adapt to life post-divorce.
Instead of trying to maintain the old holiday traditions, you might want to use the divorce as an opportunity to start new family traditions. You may be able to incorporate some of yours or the children’s favorite aspects of the old traditions into your new way of celebrating.
Divorce is not easy and it does bring about major life changes. Clinging too tightly to the past, whether it is people or holiday traditions, prevents us from being available for new experiences.
Wishing you a life of abundance.
Linda
