We all know how difficult divorce can be on children.   As their parents, we have the power to minimize the trauma or make it worse.  Unfortunately, some parents do not have enough control over their emotions.  They do not filter which aspects of the divorce they share with their children and which aspects they reserve for adult conversations with the ex-spouse or friends.  These short-sighted parents only think about the relief they will feel when they talk about their pain, anger and resentment about the divorce.   They are so upset with their ex-spouse, that they don’t care if the things they share with their children will cause the kids to feel burdened or conflicted.  When a parent uses their child as a “divorce sounding board”, it can be extremely challenging for the other parent to maintain a close relationship with that child. 

My divorce was final many years ago and our children were very young.  I still remember there were many occasions when the kids came home from their weekends with their dad, and asked me why their daddy had to give me so much money.  They told me what he had said to them, and it was all I could do to remain calm in front of the kids and change the subject.  It would have been easier to go on a rant and tell them exactly what I thought about their dad's comments, but somehow, I knew that would be just as wrong as what he was doing. 

No matter what insulting things your ex is saying to your children about you, do not give in to your desire to do the same.  If you are the custodial parent, your children see how you cope with the daily challenges and they have a natural and deep understanding of who you really are.   You have a daily opportunity to demonstrate how much you love and care about them. 

On the other hand, if you are the non-custodial parent, you are going to have to work harder to let your children know how important they are in your life.  And, you need to do it in a way that does not tear down the other parent.  I am going to guess that if your ex is talking badly about you to the children, your relationship with him or her, is somewhat adversarial.  One thing you can do, is to do your part toward changing that relationship into something more cooperative.  I realize that there are situations in which this is not possible, but it is a very effective way of dealing with these situations, so I feel compelled to mention it.

Regardless of what type of relationship you have with your ex-spouse, keep in touch with your children between visitation weekends.  Go out of your way to show interest in their activities.  Send cards or notes that tell them you are thinking of them.  Call your children.  Stay involved in their lives as much as possible.  Never, talk badly about the other parent to your children or in front of your children.  Do not say or do anything that could lead your children to believe that your feelings are their responsibility.  You can let them know you miss them, without making them feel sorry for you.  Don't shower your kids with gifts or try to be their best friend.  They need a parent.  All financial issues should be discussed with your ex and never with or in front of the children.  Even if your child is a teenager, never discuss the financial support arrangements with the child.  Those discussions should be between you and your ex and/or your attorneys.

Your ex may be doing a lot of things wrong, in your eyes, but he or she is still your children’s father or mother.  As your children grow up, they will form their own opinions of you and their other parent.  Focus all your efforts on building a healthy relationship with your children and let your ex-spouse workout his or her relationship with the kids.   

Be Your Best Self,

Linda