A chain reaction is set in motion when a couple divorces.  Of course it affects each spouse and child of the marriage, but it also impacts the lives of aunts, uncles, cousins and especially, grandparents.  

It is unfortunate, that one of the downsides of divorce is the way it can change the relationship between a grandchild and their grandparents.  When I was growing up, I know we visited our grandparents often and as a result, I have very fond and precious memories of them.  Neither my parents’ marriage, nor my grandparents’ marriages ended in divorce.  This meant that I never experienced the effects of divorce as a child and had no experience with how divorce can damage a child’s relationship with his or her grandparents.

For my children, having divorced parents was a reality.  Fortunately, their relationships with their grandparents did not change much.  After my divorce, my parents and siblings continued to play an active role in my kids’ lives.  My ex-husband’s parents lived several hours away from us, so even when we were married, the children rarely saw their paternal grandparents.  Still, my ex-husband made sure our kids talked with his parents over the phone from time to time and visited them as often as possible.  We understood the importance of extended family in our children’s lives.

A few years ago, my husband and I, as grandparents, were adversely affected when one of our son’s got divorced.  Suddenly, our son went from seeing his kids daily, to only having his children two weekends each month.  Understandably, since his time with his kids was limited, he wanted to spend those days interacting with and strengthening his relationship with the children.  This meant we saw less of our grandchildren than we had in the past.  It took quite some time for all of us to adjust to this new norm.  None of us had any idea how to navigate the situation.  I know that none of us handled it perfectly.  There were a lot mistakes made by everyone concerned.  Eventually, we found a way to work with both our son and our ex-daughter-in-law so we could continue to be a part of our grandchildren’s lives.  

Divorce is the end of a marriage, but not the end of the relationships that began with that marriage.  If you and your ex-spouse brought children into this world, you know that you are forever connected.  The form of your relationship with each other changed with the divorce decree, but that did not release you from finding a way to parent your children together post-divorce.  This includes doing your part to keep your children connected to extended family on both sides and not doing anything to damage those relationships.

If you are a divorced, non-custodial parent, and your parents are loving people who care about their grandkids, please do whatever you can to keep communication open and consistent between your children and their grandparents.  Even if it means giving up a little of your already limited alone time with your children.  If you are the ex-spouse who has custody of your children, I hope you are able to set your ego aside and make it possible for your children to spend time with all their grandparents.

If you're a grandparent who is feeling disconnected from your grandchildren, please don’t give up.  With a little trial and error and a lot of patience, you will find a way to work with your daughter or son and/or with your ex son-in-law or ex daughter-in-law to arrange to spend quality time with your grandchildren.  That time can be spent talking on the telephone, talking via Skype or meeting in-person.  The form is not as important as the content.  

If none of the above suggestions work for you, then send your grandchildren little reminders of your love, through the postal service.  Greeting cards and photos of you together with them, can go a long way to keep communication open. Each day, silently, send loving thoughts to your grandchildren and their parents.  If you believe in God or a Higher Power, pray for something to change, even if that something is only your own thoughts and judgments about the situation.  Often, changing the way you view a situation will open your mind just enough to reveal new options and possibilities that were previously hidden from you.  

Wishing you all the best,