Unlike the character in Lady Gaga’s, “Bad Romance”, who seems to be quite happy with the drama in her relationship, maybe you’re not so thrilled with the on-going drama in yours.

The article on my blog site, that gets the most internet traffic, is the one titled, “My Husband Makes Me Feel Invisible”.   As many hits as that article receives, I know that number barely scratches the surface of the number of troubled marriages all over the world.  It’s mind-boggling to know that so many people, especially women, are looking for support, via the internet, because they feel neglected, invisible, unhappy and unloved in their marriages.

Many of these women, are looking for guidance, because they don’t believe they know what to do about their unhappiness.  The truth is, there is a small voice inside each of them, whispering the steps they could take to bring peace to their lives.  Most of them, don’t want to, are afraid to, or they are not ready to, do what it takes to change their circumstances. They do not lack wisdom or inner guidance, some simply can’t hear their own wisdom or are afraid to trust it.  Most of these women, just need the support of someone who believes in them until they begin to believe in themselves.  Providing that support, is the heart of my coaching practice. 

Some of the women who call me, tell me that from time to time, they experience brief episodes of love, respect and an intimate connection with their spouses.  These glimpses of what the marriage could be, cause them to feel hopeful.  They hope that these rare occasions of marital bliss, will become prevalent in the marriage and then they will find happiness.  They just have to be patient and wait for their spouses to change.  I used to be one of these women.  In past relationships, I too was in love with my partner’s potential and held onto the dream of “what could be”.  Those brief glimpses of what could be, clouded my ability to see the reality of those relationships.

What I have learned, is that when someone is treating me in a manner that is less than honoring, it usually means that in some way, I am not honoring myself.  What does that mean?  Well, it means that on some level, I don’t feel I deserve anything better, so I am willing to settle for less.  When we do not, on a deep level, consider ourselves to be lovable and valuable, we unwittingly, attract people who treat us in ways that mirror our own feelings about ourselves.   Then, because we allow others to treat us poorly, it sends a message to them that we are “okay” with being treated that way.  To stop the cycle and make it possible for the relationship to change, we must first learn to love and value ourselves.

When you believe you are lovable and valuable, you are less likely to tolerate any behavior toward you that is not in alignment with that belief.   When you have a healthy self-love, you will be able to identify how you want to be treated and clearly communicate that to your partner.  When you begin to love yourself and take good care of yourself, a ripple effect is started.  Your partner will either follow your lead and begin to treat you with love and respect, or choose to do nothing at all.  If your spouse tells you that he is not going to change or he refuses to work together with you to create a relationship in which you love, honor and respect each other, you might want to take his word for it and act accordingly.