“Things just didn’t work out the way I thought they would.” I’ve heard this many times from the women I work with in my coaching practice.  For many of them, there were definite warning signs during the dating period.  Brief episodes, when they caught a glimpse, of the dark side of their future spouse.  These women, wrote-off the experience as a signal that their partner just needed to feel more loved.  Or, they believed it was something they did, that caused their partner’s disturbing behavior.   All they had to do, they reasoned, was love him more and try harder to be more like the woman he wanted them to be.  If they did that, the relationship would be everything they wanted it to be.

Missing the warning signs during the dating period, is a common reason why the wheels eventually fall off the marital bus.  But, there is another situation that can cause us to misjudge whether or not the person we are dating is a good candidate for a happily-ever-after relationship.  

When we are dating, typically, we all put our best self forward.   There is nothing inherently wrong with being our best self, so the other person will like us.   However, it does become a problem, if Prince Charming or Cinderella shows up for dates, but Captain Hook or the Evil Queen turns up after the wedding.

What do you do, when you’ve made a promise to love and cherish someone, but the person who you are now living with, is devoid of all the characteristics you fell in love with and believed you were marrying?  You have experienced the best version of your spouse while you were dating, so you know he is capable of being loving and kind.  You made a promise to be together until death do you part, but your marriage feels more like an episode of The Twilight Zone than the romantic partnership you imagined it would be.  What happened to the guy you fell in love with?

If you believe on a deep level, that the loving man you married, still exists and you want to give the marriage every chance to be successful, there are a few conditions that need to exist.  Otherwise, you are simply rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.  First, be honest with yourself.  Do you love him for who he his or for the potential you see in him?  Some people never reach their potential.  Secondly, you must be willing to forgive him.  That does not mean you forget how he has treated you up until now, but it does mean you will stop bringing up and reliving the past.  You must be willing to focus on the present and what he is doing well, today.  The next important factor, is to take a detached look at yourself and determine how you might be contributing to the problems in your marriage.  Last, but not least, your spouse must want to heal the relationship and be willing to do whatever it takes to bring about a change in his behavior.  It may be necessary to see a counselor or coach, either as a couple or individually.  (By the way, just saying he is willing to change, is not enough, there has to be some consistent action supporting that promise.)

On the other hand, if you believe your marriage can be saved, but your spouse tells you he does not see any need to change his behavior, and has no intention of changing, you need to believe him.  As difficult as that may be, you have to accept that he is telling you the truth.  Until you face the truth, you will continue to be confused about what to do next.  When you accept the truth and reality sinks in, I assure you, the action you need to take, will become clear to you. 

Real change does not happen overnight and it does not happen by itself.  Moving the deck chairs around won’t prevent the ship from sinking.  If you really want to save your marriage, it’s going to take a conscious effort on your part, as well as his. Sometimes, the answer is to work together to get the ship back on course and sometimes, the answer is to board a lifeboat.  Only you can decide which option is right for you.

Have a great week!

Linda